Jordanians Look for Love with Help from Matchmakers
Written by Haitham Sabbah on 05. May 2006, 0045hrs // Part of Haitham Sabbah's adventure in Arab, Good News, Jordan, Middle East // Other posts by Haitham Sabbah
Arranged marriages are not unusual in much of the Arab world. But young Jordanians are starting to reject that tradition, and instead look to find a mate on their own. A marriage-brokering agency has opened in Irbid, about an hour north of the capital of Amman, to help provide an alternative to traditional marriages, NPR report.
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Fingers crossed! But, will this work? I see it only a new form of “arranged marriage.”
Every time I hear the “arranged marriage” phrase, it reminds me of, “First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love” slogan. Wondering if it really works like that every time… well, it worked for me. But I’m sure it does not work all the time.
Arranged marriages, which are so the norm in Arab land (so is then in Jordan), always seem to faze the non-Arab. One simply can’t fathom how practical strangers can be married to each other and settle down for a life together. No matter how westernised some of our countries may have become, arranged marriages are still how a majority of the weddings in Arab land are carried out.
The first stage is the search through family and friends (including neighbors), marriage brokers (a lady we call ‘Khatabah’). Now Jordan is adding matching centres to the list of “arranged marriage” methods. How does this agency work, and what type of services they provide… maybe someone from Irbid will pay a visit and let us know.
In countries like India, horoscope play a major part in matching the bride and groom.
Next, parents (usually mother of the groom) goes to second stage - ’seeing’ the girl. This part is the funny part, at least from the groom side of view, but I guess it is one of the most embarrassing moments for the bride. The reason is what goes on this ’seeing’ party. I mean, imagine your hair pulled (to see if it is healthy and not fake), your length is determined, so is you chest waist and bottom is noted (virtually), check that she don’t have fake teeth etc … I’m sure ladies can share more funny stories.
If everything goes well, and the virtual description transmitted by the mum to her son meets his ‘taste’, the parents of the boy visit the girl and her family and if both sides are pleased with the state of affairs, they finalize things like how much dowry and gold etc will be given by the groom’s family to the girl. Then they fix the date for the engagement.
After the engagement, the boy and girl are allowed to go out - sometimes chaperoned, sometimes not, depending on the individual families (and country). During the engagement, the rough date for the wedding is fixed. After that,… let’s pray for the “Love to Come”, if it didn’t come during the engagement.
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May 5th, 2006 at 10:04 am
jordanian society is coming out of acyultural warp into atransition of values , attitudes and priorities . it just goes to show that from now onwards individual liberty will have to be recognized in jordan.
May 5th, 2006 at 10:34 am
Ya Haram!
This “seeing” party makes it sound like Mama’s buying a horse!
May 5th, 2006 at 11:58 am
I don’t see the point in arranging a marriage. It’s like trying to fast forward events in time, and just rush into getting married and owning the title of being a married person. It doesn’t grow slowly and nourish by it’s own within’ time.
I don’t think Arranged marriages last for long, and if they do then it would be bombarded with even more problems.
(Moi is taken. By myself
May 5th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
i agree Rebecca.. no kidding! pulling hair, looking at teeth.. what kind of crap is that?!! who cares how long someone’s hair is - what does that have to do w/ a single thing? and then to talk about money… ok, let’s just fast forward and get to the money part.. wouldn’t that make everybody happy? i wouldn’t be surprised if some don’t take the girl to a different room and have a little look-see under the abaya to see what type of body she has.. if there are stretch marks, how big her boobs are and such. to me, it’s all ridiculous.
i don’t agree w/ arranged marriages. i know many do that in this part of the world and in the states (not as many but it happens)… but still, i think there’s something to be said about meeting someone or being struck by love or seeing them from a distance and then falling madly in love the old fashioned way.
May 5th, 2006 at 4:00 pm
First, The concept of the mother of the groom visiting is simply ludicrous and should be scraped.
That said, the thing that a lot of us Arabs and Moslems are failing to see is that, According to Wkipedia, Romantic Marriage came after the Sex Revolution in the west (something we still didn’t have in the east).
I think traditional (or pragmatic) forms of marriage have a terrible reputation with an Arab youth yearning for independence, but we are failing to see that, like traditional marriage, romantic marriage has its advantages and disadvantages and that they should keep their mind open to both forms.
This from Wikipedia:
Pragmatic marriage contrasted to romantic marriage
Cultures that aspire to create relationships after couples marry are those with institutionalized practices of pragmatic marriage. Cultures that come to think that marriages should only be tried once a short-term compatibility already exists adopt romantic marriages.
Those who believe in romantic marriage will often criticize pragmatic marriage, considering it is oppressive, inhuman, sexist, or immoral. Defenders of pragmatic marriage disagree, often pointing to cultures where the success rate of pragmatic marriages is seen to be high, and holding that nearly all couples learn to love and care for each other very deeply.
Those who uphold pragmatic marriage frequently state that it is traditional, that it upholds social morals, that it is good for the families involved. They also have some traditional criticisms of romantic marriage, saying that it is short-term, overly based on sexual lust, or immoral. Defenders of romantic marriage would hold that it is preferable to achieve an emotional bond before entering into a lifelong commitment.
May 5th, 2006 at 5:33 pm
To be fair, arranged marriages are, in my experience, much less like buying a mule we are being led to believe. The young Muslim men and women can call off an engagement if they do not want to marry each other.
From my understanding, when a young man is ready to marry, his family and friends make inquiries of possible brides. Potential couples meet, and if they don’t like each other, then it is finished. The process begins anew. If they do like each other, then there is a courtship and engagement period, and finally a wedding. This still gives ample time for either bride or groom-to-be to back out. (Please correct me if I am wrong)
It should be noted that even many of the Christian Arabs approach marriage in this fashion.
May 5th, 2006 at 5:43 pm
It should also be noted that if a young woman struck a young man’s fancy in a romantic way, then her family would be approached in the same manner.
This mirrors the Western notion of dating. How many times did friends try and family to “set me up”? I was resistant because it wasn’t my ideal way of finding a partner, but who are we to judge what works for everyone else? I think it is simply the method that is being protested, not so much the end result, because it has been foreign to the Western tradition for so long, and because the Arab youth are increasingly looking to the West for cues on “modern” society and practices, and challenging and questioning their own.
May 5th, 2006 at 8:27 pm
Haitham,
I just had a post about the modern matchmaking models in the whole world and eventually the Middle East; please check it out and allow me to place the link for your readers … as the feedback is very important
There you go:
http://anolita.jeeran.com/mind/archive/2006/5/45062.html
May 5th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
I know lots of people in Jordan who are in arranged marriages and they do not seem less happy or in love as a group than my American married friends. The divorce rate is far lower in Jordan than it is in the United States.
I recently heard a report of research on NPR which relates to this. People who have a choice about what they should do are much happier than those who don’t. However, people who spend a very long time making their choices are more likely to end up unhappy. If people spend too long making a choice, they start to focus on the pros and cons of every choice. Since no choice is perfect, regardless of what they end up choosing, they are likely to spend a lot of time regretting what they didn’t choose.
Arranged marriage as practiced in the Arab world (and this is not necessarily true of arranged marriage everywhere) offers that middle amount of choice. Both bride and groom have the opportunity to suggest people that they may like to marry and reject those whom they don’t find appealing. But the process happens quickly–they meet someone and they decide, usually within days or weeks. Psychologically, this level of choice is likely to discourage second guessing the marriage later on.
In any case, it is very offensive for anyone to tell people whom they have never met how they should approach marriage, or to make fun of other peoples’ intimate relationships.
May 6th, 2006 at 5:13 am
Mustapha,
I’m not sure where Wikipedia got the idea that Romantic Marriage came after the Sex Revolution in the west. Romantic marriage was the typical pretty much from the founding of the US, and I don’t know how long before that in Europe. I mean, my parents and grandparents are all pre sexual revolution, and they all came together through romantic marriage, as did everyone I know from those generations. On the contrary, I have never met someone personally who has had an arranged marriage.
I might add, that I sure like my romantic choice! She is far above me, so I got the best out of the deal!