WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE
US SIXTH FLEET WIPED OUT BY ISRAELI PLANES, SHIPS AND SUBS
ENTIRE MARINE EXPEDITIONARY UNIT ANNIHILATED BY ISRAELI FORCES
10TH MOUNTAIN DIVISION TROOPS FAIL TO TAKE HAIFA, FLEE INTO SOUTHERN LEBANON
ISRAELI AMPHIBIOUS ASSAULT ON WASHINGTON DC SUCCESSFUL. ISRAELI FLAG FLIES OVER THE US CAPITOL BUILDING.
OBAMA HIDING OUT AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY BECAUSE NO ONE THERE KNOWS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
After yet another contentious phone conversation with Bibi Netanyahu, the Israeli Vice Present for American Affairs (IVPFAA), Barack Hussein Sotero, attempted a palace coup by ordering an immediate land, sea and air invasion of Israel yesterday morning. Major forces from the US Sixth Fleet were near the Israeli coastline at the time, and General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Stiff, figured that those forces, combined with the element of surprise, would be sufficient to “take over that shitty little country” according to highly placed Israeli military sources at the Pentagon.
The Israelis however were fully prepared for the attack and routed US forces in about six hours. “It’s like they had access to all of our classified military intelligence communications” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Lesley Miller. “They knew everything, the specific amphibious assault ships, the number of planes taking off from the aircraft carriers, and the precise locations of the landings at Haifa and Ashdod, everything” a tearful Miller said as he was lead off to jail by Israeli authorities now in charge of the Pentagon.
According to Israeli intelligence sources at the CIA, Israeli submarines sunk the USS Kearsage, an LHD Wasp class amphibious assault ship, off the shores of Ashdod minutes after all of the marines in the infantry element of the ship’s Marine Expeditionary Unit were deployed onto landing craft and before the aviation combat element could take off. “The marines were fucking sitting duck’s out there in the water” said Avigdor Lieberman, Israel’s Foreign Minister adding “and we killed every single one of those motherfuckers.”
At almost the same time, for reasons that the Pentagon has yet to clarify, forces from the US Army’s 10th Mountain Division were landed in Haifa in northern Israel seconds before their ship was also sunk by Israel’s navy. After a battle that lasted several minutes, the remaining members of the division high-tailed it into southern Lebanon where they were given refuge and protection by Hizbullah’s militia. “Yeah, once they got into Lebanon, we stopped chasing them” said Representative Eric Cantor, (Likud, Va) who was in Israel selling US military secrets at the time of the attack. Cantor added, “Those Hizbullah dudes can really kick ass, so we decided not to escalate the situation.”
The attack was doomed from the start because Israeli air and naval forces were able to sink the Sixth Fleet’s command ship just moments after it received its orders from Obama’s secure phone at the White House. The USS Mount Whitney, whose new commander was put into place less than two weeks ago, and all of its crew were lost. Former USS Mount Whitney commander, Capt. Ted Williams, who was replaced due to allegations of misconduct on November 19th, said “Well, I guess that was a blessing in disguise.”
With the command and control structure decapitated at the start of the battle, the US assault was poorly coordinated and haphazard. In addition, “The Israeli military forces were far superior to anything we’ve faced since the end of WWII,” according to Dempsey. “Look at we’ve been doing since at least 1990 is fighting ragtime armies with no morale, no modern equipment, no air force whatsoever, and a number of whom want us to martyr them anyway. This is the first time in my military career that we’ve been ordered to fight someone who wasn’t essentially defenseless. Thank God we didn’t try to fight Hizbullah, they’d have really kicked our asses.”
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As if to second Dempsey’s comments, Hizbullah spokesbeauty, Haifa Wehbe, noted “Some of the American troops were really pissed at Israel and wanted to join our militia. We told them they weren’t well-trained enough. Even a Shas Party member could figure that out, but I digress.”
According to Israel’s Ambassador to Israel, Dan Shapiro, “We were able to establish air superiority over the battle space as soon as we took out the Mount Whitney. We then turned our planes and subs onto the Nimitz and destroyed all of the aircraft on its deck. And damn, those German submarines are good. When the torpedoes hit the Nimitz it blew up like just like a bomb. No fuck ups this time, like when we couldn’t even sink the USS LIBERTY, we learned from that one.”
Israeli fighter pilots who participated in the “turkey shoot” as they called it, reported that once the Nimitz went up in radio-active smoke the rest of the ships in the Sixth fleet began to scatter in different directions. “It was fun watching the subs blow them up one by one” said one of the pilots. According to Dempsey, speaking from his prison cell, the only reason that any of the ships managed to make it to Malta safely was because “The Israelis fucking ran out of torpedoes.”
In another surprise, it turns out that Israel’s Iron Dome technology, virtually useless against home-made Palestinian bottle rockets, works quite well against million-dollar-apiece and highly sophisticated cruise missiles. The Sixth fleet was able to launch a number of them before being taken out, but all of the missiles were successfully intercepted by Iron Dome. Israeli military expert, Wolf Blitzer, reported from Jerusalem “Israel knows cruise missile technology inside and out, having acquired it from the United States, improved it, and sold it to China and Russia.”
Not satisfied with the total demolition of the Sixth Fleet, Israeli generals ordered an amphibious invasion of Washington, DC using nuclear-armed submarines stationed off the US coast. As was the case on 9/11, Washington and the nearby Pentagon were completely undefended and after Israeli missiles took out the White House and most of the Pentagon, the Israeli forces quickly took over Capitol Hill. Congress was in session at the time and welcomed the Israeli troops with open arms and mouths.
“It was a great victory” said Senator Ben Cardin (Likud, Md) as he spat into a spittoon, “We were in the middle of a vote on a Joint resolution supporting Israel in this conflict when the troops came in. We gave them a standing ovation. I even helped them raise the Israeli flag over the Capitol building.”
At the same time, in Lafayette Park Senator Charles Schumer, (Likud, NY), was holding a rally for Israel and speaking to an audience estimated at about 6 million people. “We are all Israelis now” he said, quoting an article from the National Review.
In a related note, Shas Party officials, not realizing that this piece is satire, called for a National Day of Celebration in Israel called Yom Kick Ass to be held every December 1st until the Messiah returns.
2. Okay, its video time. As you know, this site is a fan of the Palestinian musician Nabil Mansour. Recently Nabil sent to a number of his contacts a link to a new song he has done with the wonderful Ronza Ismail, another Palestinian artist – and one with a lovely voice. It’s beautiful. It is in Arabic, but there are subtitles in three languages, including English, so that American, and I use that term loosely, news correspondents in the Middle East can understand it. I think that was pretty nice of Nabil.
Video link: http://youtu.be/1dhnhNxV7_k
3. I’ve been posting a bit to twitter lately, something I used to basically never do.